family photography sydney/the year I failed...
Last year I failed...or I should say that I felt like I failed.
I felt like I failed when the photography community I had worked on for three years ended.
I felt like I failed when the magazine that I help create ended.
I felt like I failed when I submitted images for features or competitions and was rejected.
I felt like I failed when I submitted to a magazine to be told "Nice, but not nice enough"
I felt like I failed when I tried to encourage creativity in a Facebook group that I created and only a few participated.
I felt like I failed when I shared my creativity with my whole heart and then hit delete because it wasn't popular.
I felt like I failed when I struggled with depression and anemia, not because of the illness, but as I had to let things go just to keep up.
I felt like I failed when friendships slipped.
I am not saying that my year was a complete failure, there were many achievements, but with each of these failures came self-doubt and fear that I wasn't good enough. However, with a lot of self-reflection, I realised that I was missing the point and focusing on the result rather than my effort. I put big love and massive effort into all of my projects. I worked with my whole heart, and while my expectations weren't met sometimes, I grew. I grew in ways that I don't know yet. I am always telling my children it is not about the result, but it is the effort that I want to see. I had to live by my words which isn't easy. I felt vulnerable and scared, but I did it none the less. I tried and failed. I tried and succeeded. I tried, and people noticed. I tried, and no-one saw.
And this year, I will try and possibly fail again. I am ok with that!
" Something mediocre is better than nothing, and often the near-misses, as I call them, are the beckoning hands that bring you to perfection just around the blind corner." Sally Mann
One of my happy achievements was creating my "colour of light" diptych series and you can see more of these diptychs here.